My hubby and I will be celebrating our 13th anniversary this year and with 6 kids romance can easily fly out the window. The temptation to just stay home and sleep in can be very strong when considering dinner conversations of kids and to-do lists. It really takes being on purpose and fighting for your marriage to make sure the flames don't die down, but how? Here are 8 ways we are being on purpose for our marriage this year...
Double dates! What better way to avoid monotonous conversations than choosing other couples to join in? We started out by making a list of several couples we enjoy chatting with or that we wanted to get to know better, then drew a couple randomly. Our intention was to do 1 double date a month and we totally let January slip past us so we are doubling our double dates this month with our first scheduled for tomorrow. Our first pick had to reschedule, so in place of chasing their calendars we chose the next couple and thankfully it worked out. Timing can be really tricky in this so if all else fails choose a time that works best for you and keep moving down the list till you find a match that works. (I'll probably do another article on this, so stay tuned!)
Make special days special! Over time it is really easy to let birthdays, federal holidays and even anniversaries get stale or repetitive. High expectations with low results create big disappointments; more demands from kids, extended family, work, etc steal time and reduce energy (in addition to aging of course); day to day frustrations building into mountains to overcome... all these lead to losing that "loving feeling". As paramedics we are very used to moving holidays around to meet our schedules but we do try to do at least something special, which leads me to my next point.
Communication! Wow, seems like that has a lot to do with all this love stuff, huh? My hubby used to complain that most holidays were made for commercialism. That very well may be but our chat about it has led to an amazing turnaround in the romance department. It basically boiled down to me saying let's face that you don't have to celebrate Valentine's Day so long as you are making sure I feel loved the other 360+ days of the year. I have also realized a few things that I am working to improve on:
No assumptions! My hubby loves me, but still will never be able to read my mind. Expecting anything from him without talking about those expectations is setting myself up for failure. With all the obstacles we have already discussed I have come to realize that he is fighting to climb Everest in a snowstorm too. He loves me beyond measure and he does try, but giving him gentle pointers and patience (he doesn't always catch things the first time) along the way is definitely going to help.
Know yourself- favorites, likes and dislikes! Even if he could read my mind I must know what I like and don't like before I expect him to pull it out of his hat. It's a very emotional event to be asked "what is your favorite...?" and not have the foggiest clue how to answer! If I don't know what my favorite chocolate is then how can I be upset if he brings me an assortment I don't like? Or flowers? Or book? (Seriously, how many devotionals can a gal do at one time?) Take some time to make yourself a list of "favorites" and take the time to find out his. You might be surprised how many have changed over the years on both lists!
Applaud the effort. Being a guy can be hard. They are not hardwired to pay attention to little details like most ladies are, they miss a ton is an understatement. Being grateful for what he does do opens the doors to discussing how to improve on things better. For instance, I love chocolate covered cherries, but only the Cellas brand. It took me years to figure out they were the "ones with the clear fluid" but I can look back over all the times he tried and smile now.
Preplan. If you are working on schedules go ahead and open the door for what you would like to do. The last week of January found us planning out this month. After everything else was set I simply asked if we were going to celebrate Valentine's this year and if so, how? The next thing I know he had set up babysitting and was looking for cabin rentals! (Which he was shocked to discover that a jacuzzi is not a necessity for me.) This will also go a long way towards avoiding last minute stress, like trying to find the cabin with a jacuzzi when everything is already book...
On the flip side, be spontaneous! My hubby should not bear the sole responsibility for planning things, especially as I am the one who knows the ins and outs of daily life with our kids. I can easily figure out a sitter for us to slip out or I can manage to get the kids settled for us to have a date night in and totally take him off guard. He works hard and deserves to be taken care of without jumping through hoops, plus it gives you a good excuse to have a night off too.
Obviously this is not an exhaustive list, but I am looking forward to Valentine's Day for the first time in forever and that already speaks volumes to me. I'm grateful that these little tips were revealed to me and I hope they can help anyone with an ear to hear. Just remember that it took time for things to cool down so don't expect a microwave response. Little steps taken lead to big distances covered!
Love, hugs and may your Valentine's Day be blessed!
Heather
